Memoirs of a Beautiful Soul
Some of you know me, unfortunately some of you don't. My name is Bobbi, I am Reese's wife and Brooks' daughter-in-law. I lived with Mom from August of 2007 until she passed in November. I haven't written before now because honestly its hard for me to put all of these feelings into words and I was afraid of talking about things that might make any of you cry.
Reese and I talked about it though and he said, "She chose you to make that journey with her and you are the only one who has these memories." Once again he was the voice of reason in my jumbled up mind. The truth is, you all deserve to know everything that I can share so I will do the best I can.
I moved in with Mom towards the end of August. You would think that trying to merge two very different personalities into one small apartment would be chaos, however somehow it worked. She had a gift for making you feel wanted and needed and loved. I have never met anyone before or since who had that gift. Honestly, we didn't know each other very well at first, yet in no time we were staying up all night watching Saving Grace and sharing candy and secrets. We laughed a lot and we cried a little. She was so strong. She rarely let anything get her down. A "little thing" like cancer was not going to bring down her spirits.
I wish I could explain all that she taught me. From Tarot cards and how to cook a roast to life lessons, she left me every bit of advice she could. The only thing she couldn't teach me was how to let go. I guess we all have to learn that on our own.
About three weeks before she passed she told me that she could feel a presence beside her at night. She said that it was a small animal that would climb onto the couch or bed she was sleeping on and she would feel its weight as it settled in beside her. She was completely coherent. She wondered if it was Sasha, a dog she'd had years before. She also wondered if, like the story of the cat in the nursing home,it was preparing her to leave. About a week before she passed, it stopped coming.
About this time she would be nodding off to sleep, then ask me who the people in the corner of the room were. I ask where they were and she pointed and said,"Right there, a man and a woman. Who are they?" I said that I wasn't sure who they were( I couldn't see them.) and she said, "Well, tell them to be quiet ,I'm trying to sleep."
The next day we talked about it and thought that maybe they were her angels. If anyone ever deserved angels,it was her. Except for these "angels" things stayed normal in our little routine. She was worried that she would pass at an inopportune time and might accidentally ruin the impending holidays. She was trying to figure out if she wanted to go before Thanksgiving or after Christmas. I told her to go when she was ready. I told her that we would never be ready to give her up and that without her, none of our holidays would be good.
The next day we talked and decided that we would go out to lunch, she was feeling fine and we thought we would treat ourselves to a steak. I remember that we got stuck in traffic on our way because the circus was in town and all of the roads were blocked. She told me that when Reese was a little boy she had taken him to the circus and how excited they both were. We went to lunch at Denny's and were going to stop by the store afterwards, but she was tired and decided not to go. We went home and she asked me," Is there anything left I need to do? Have I got everything I need done finished ."( We had been sorting through things and she was preparing her arrangements in the event of her death.)I told her that she was finished. She worried about her boys seeing her sick and was concerned that it would hurt them. She never wanted her babies to hurt. She worried about me. She worried about all of us.
She slept off and on for the rest of the day and was really restless throughout the night. She woke up several times and talked to people in her family. She talked of things that had happened in her life as if she was living them again. She'd say "make sure Jim doesn't come downstairs." She would talk to her kids as if they were still teenagers and would ask me about their school friends.
She was by then living in the world of her past. She stayed up all night talking and laughing at old memories. Laughing as if everything was right in her world and I guess it was. She would doze now and then and so would I , then I would wake up to her laughter as she talked to the newest person to come back to her.
The next person she talked to was her Daddy. Most of it I couldn't understand. I understood that to her she was a child again running late for school. She tried to get up, but I told her that she was sick today and Daddy wouldn't mind if she stayed home. She sat back down and started talking and laughing again. I just rubbed her hair and told her I loved her. She said," I love you too." That is the last thing she said to me. She was in some pain that morning, which amazingly was unusual. I called her nurse (Terry ) and asked if I could give her extra medication and she gave me the correct dose and I gave it to Mom and she fell asleep. She never woke again. I want all of you to know that she passed away happy, with a smile on her lips and laughter on her face.
I thought that was important for all of you to know.
I will love and miss her for the rest of my life.....
Reese and I talked about it though and he said, "She chose you to make that journey with her and you are the only one who has these memories." Once again he was the voice of reason in my jumbled up mind. The truth is, you all deserve to know everything that I can share so I will do the best I can.
I moved in with Mom towards the end of August. You would think that trying to merge two very different personalities into one small apartment would be chaos, however somehow it worked. She had a gift for making you feel wanted and needed and loved. I have never met anyone before or since who had that gift. Honestly, we didn't know each other very well at first, yet in no time we were staying up all night watching Saving Grace and sharing candy and secrets. We laughed a lot and we cried a little. She was so strong. She rarely let anything get her down. A "little thing" like cancer was not going to bring down her spirits.
I wish I could explain all that she taught me. From Tarot cards and how to cook a roast to life lessons, she left me every bit of advice she could. The only thing she couldn't teach me was how to let go. I guess we all have to learn that on our own.
About three weeks before she passed she told me that she could feel a presence beside her at night. She said that it was a small animal that would climb onto the couch or bed she was sleeping on and she would feel its weight as it settled in beside her. She was completely coherent. She wondered if it was Sasha, a dog she'd had years before. She also wondered if, like the story of the cat in the nursing home,it was preparing her to leave. About a week before she passed, it stopped coming.
About this time she would be nodding off to sleep, then ask me who the people in the corner of the room were. I ask where they were and she pointed and said,"Right there, a man and a woman. Who are they?" I said that I wasn't sure who they were( I couldn't see them.) and she said, "Well, tell them to be quiet ,I'm trying to sleep."
The next day we talked about it and thought that maybe they were her angels. If anyone ever deserved angels,it was her. Except for these "angels" things stayed normal in our little routine. She was worried that she would pass at an inopportune time and might accidentally ruin the impending holidays. She was trying to figure out if she wanted to go before Thanksgiving or after Christmas. I told her to go when she was ready. I told her that we would never be ready to give her up and that without her, none of our holidays would be good.
The next day we talked and decided that we would go out to lunch, she was feeling fine and we thought we would treat ourselves to a steak. I remember that we got stuck in traffic on our way because the circus was in town and all of the roads were blocked. She told me that when Reese was a little boy she had taken him to the circus and how excited they both were. We went to lunch at Denny's and were going to stop by the store afterwards, but she was tired and decided not to go. We went home and she asked me," Is there anything left I need to do? Have I got everything I need done finished ."( We had been sorting through things and she was preparing her arrangements in the event of her death.)I told her that she was finished. She worried about her boys seeing her sick and was concerned that it would hurt them. She never wanted her babies to hurt. She worried about me. She worried about all of us.
She slept off and on for the rest of the day and was really restless throughout the night. She woke up several times and talked to people in her family. She talked of things that had happened in her life as if she was living them again. She'd say "make sure Jim doesn't come downstairs." She would talk to her kids as if they were still teenagers and would ask me about their school friends.
She was by then living in the world of her past. She stayed up all night talking and laughing at old memories. Laughing as if everything was right in her world and I guess it was. She would doze now and then and so would I , then I would wake up to her laughter as she talked to the newest person to come back to her.
The next person she talked to was her Daddy. Most of it I couldn't understand. I understood that to her she was a child again running late for school. She tried to get up, but I told her that she was sick today and Daddy wouldn't mind if she stayed home. She sat back down and started talking and laughing again. I just rubbed her hair and told her I loved her. She said," I love you too." That is the last thing she said to me. She was in some pain that morning, which amazingly was unusual. I called her nurse (Terry ) and asked if I could give her extra medication and she gave me the correct dose and I gave it to Mom and she fell asleep. She never woke again. I want all of you to know that she passed away happy, with a smile on her lips and laughter on her face.
I thought that was important for all of you to know.
I will love and miss her for the rest of my life.....
Comments
This needed to be told, not so we can know merely what Mom went through, but so we can see the pure love and selflessness of the person who went through it right alongside her and made that transition for her just a bit more bearable.