Transformations
I picked Bobbi up at the airport around 2:00 this afternoon and I was very happy to see her. She feels more like a daughter than a daughter-in-law and I'm so thankful we've had this time to get to know each other and bond as we have. She's a truly wonderful person and it shines through from inside her soul. Half the people in my building missed her while she was gone, so the impact she makes is about far more than my gratitude for her help. It's amazing to even consider such a thing, but even cancer has brought into my life some things that are very positive.
It's been a beautiful day here in Kansas City, with cool temperatures and lovely sunshine, making the drive to the airport a pleasant outing for me. It's interesting to me how a change in attitude can create such changes in a person's daily life. I see such beauty all around me today, unlike the ugliness I once saw.
As I was writing about the middle years of my life a few days ago, I couldn't help but remember that all during those years I thought of myself as a victim, helpless and powerless to have a better, happier life. Victimization became a habitual attitude within myself and I saw no way to improve anything. I was powerless over a world that was swallowing me up, bite by bite. It seemed to me during those difficult years that there were far more negative things in my life than positive and very little seemed beautiful to me. I hated the jobs I was stuck with in order to survive, I despised the sexual harassment I had to endure on those jobs and the menial tasks I was expected to do with a smile on my face, all for small compensation. My marriage was unhappy, for I was married to a basically good, but extremely depressed and selfish man. He was not only possessive and stingy, but was always so unhappy and morose that he brought depression to all the other members of the family. I did not think I could leave him because we had two children, both of whom acted out during their teens. My two oldest children went through every mother's nightmare and my husband and I had to deal with runaways, drugs, half-hearted suicide attempts, early sexual promiscuity, and pregnancies. One of those pregnancies turned out to be Krisna, born to one of my children at the tender age of 15 and our third child who Jim and I adopted when he was almost 2 years old. Though Kris was a joy, he was not enough to erase or ease the other misery in my life. I definitely could not divorce my children. Instead, I worried myself into clinical depression about their welfare and merely hoped and prayed that we could somehow save their lives. I lived in a world over which I had no control, but was filled with sadness, depression, psychiatrists and therapy for myself and my children. Jim was the only one not in and out of therapy because he thought he had a handle on things and would have died rather than have a psychiatrist or counselor show up on his company insurance. Yes, I was a victim of all the circumstances of my life and my world looked very bleak and ugly.
Then in the winter of 1987 Jim and I asked Reese and Allene, Reese's first wife, to join us in watching a 3 night mini-series on television. It was a film about reincarnation, past lives, confusion, and self discovery. The name of the movie was Out On a Limb, a bio-pic about and starring Shirley McClain. And there began a transformation of my life as I had known it. (To be Continued.)
3 comments:
Anonymous said...
Live, Love, Prosper. THough I would usually say this in a sarcatstic joking tone... it actually has meaning here. I love you Nina. I am gonna leave this anonymous until I make an actual username. But it is none other than the only one who calls you Nina. :)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Brooks said...
Hey Anonymous...You can run and you can hide, but I know exactly who you are...my one and only!!! And I love you too! By the way, Happy Birthday kiddo. You're all legal now. You behave yourself and if you can't do that, have one on me. I love you, Nina
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Anonymous said...
I love reading your blog. Although, your body may be tired your writing is filled with energy and passion. I was making a flyer for our Annual Thanksgiving Dinner and thought of you. I miss you. Does peach cobbler with ice cream sound the least bit tempting?
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
It's been a beautiful day here in Kansas City, with cool temperatures and lovely sunshine, making the drive to the airport a pleasant outing for me. It's interesting to me how a change in attitude can create such changes in a person's daily life. I see such beauty all around me today, unlike the ugliness I once saw.
As I was writing about the middle years of my life a few days ago, I couldn't help but remember that all during those years I thought of myself as a victim, helpless and powerless to have a better, happier life. Victimization became a habitual attitude within myself and I saw no way to improve anything. I was powerless over a world that was swallowing me up, bite by bite. It seemed to me during those difficult years that there were far more negative things in my life than positive and very little seemed beautiful to me. I hated the jobs I was stuck with in order to survive, I despised the sexual harassment I had to endure on those jobs and the menial tasks I was expected to do with a smile on my face, all for small compensation. My marriage was unhappy, for I was married to a basically good, but extremely depressed and selfish man. He was not only possessive and stingy, but was always so unhappy and morose that he brought depression to all the other members of the family. I did not think I could leave him because we had two children, both of whom acted out during their teens. My two oldest children went through every mother's nightmare and my husband and I had to deal with runaways, drugs, half-hearted suicide attempts, early sexual promiscuity, and pregnancies. One of those pregnancies turned out to be Krisna, born to one of my children at the tender age of 15 and our third child who Jim and I adopted when he was almost 2 years old. Though Kris was a joy, he was not enough to erase or ease the other misery in my life. I definitely could not divorce my children. Instead, I worried myself into clinical depression about their welfare and merely hoped and prayed that we could somehow save their lives. I lived in a world over which I had no control, but was filled with sadness, depression, psychiatrists and therapy for myself and my children. Jim was the only one not in and out of therapy because he thought he had a handle on things and would have died rather than have a psychiatrist or counselor show up on his company insurance. Yes, I was a victim of all the circumstances of my life and my world looked very bleak and ugly.
Then in the winter of 1987 Jim and I asked Reese and Allene, Reese's first wife, to join us in watching a 3 night mini-series on television. It was a film about reincarnation, past lives, confusion, and self discovery. The name of the movie was Out On a Limb, a bio-pic about and starring Shirley McClain. And there began a transformation of my life as I had known it. (To be Continued.)
3 comments:
Anonymous said...
Live, Love, Prosper. THough I would usually say this in a sarcatstic joking tone... it actually has meaning here. I love you Nina. I am gonna leave this anonymous until I make an actual username. But it is none other than the only one who calls you Nina. :)
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Brooks said...
Hey Anonymous...You can run and you can hide, but I know exactly who you are...my one and only!!! And I love you too! By the way, Happy Birthday kiddo. You're all legal now. You behave yourself and if you can't do that, have one on me. I love you, Nina
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Anonymous said...
I love reading your blog. Although, your body may be tired your writing is filled with energy and passion. I was making a flyer for our Annual Thanksgiving Dinner and thought of you. I miss you. Does peach cobbler with ice cream sound the least bit tempting?
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
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