Taking Care of Business
I missed an annual summer picnic at the law school where I retired three years ago. Day by day I have a little less energy, I cough a little more, and I'm now on medication each day in order to manage back pain. Yesterday I finally decided I would not go because it would be too exhausting, so I missed out on the picnic that I actually initiated about 10 years ago. I would love to have seen all my friends today. But honestly? I decided it would be too emotional at the end of the day to say goodbye for the final time to so many people that I love. Saying goodbye to my two sons in New Orleans was about the hardest thing I'd ever done and I'm not sure how many of those heart rending goodbyes are left in me.
So I stayed home and went through my usual routine of napping, watching some television and writing letters on the computer.
I get on the scales each day...not because I care how much I weigh anymore, but because it's a curiosity to see that I've lost another pound or two without any effort on my part. I've now lost about 25 pounds since the beginning of April and it's just simply disappeared as if by magic. I still enjoy food and am still eating, though I'm rarely ever aware of being hungry now and my choice in food has changed. I want comfort foods now...things like snacks...chip and dip, bananas by the bunch, and pudding cups, any flavor. Two of my girlfriends came by last week with a big bowl of southern chicken and dumplings! There's nothing like comfort food to soothe the troubled soul.
I've been spending some time helping plan my funeral. I've collected and printed some photos of myself at different times in my life, made lists of lovely quotations that I am fond of, made a list of people with addresses, phone numbers and e-mail addresses who should be contacted when the time comes, and talked to my musician son about songs that I particularly like. The boys can use these ideas or suggetions as they see fit...or not. I'm not wedded to anything in particular other than simplicity, but I thought it might be helpful to them at a stressful time. It feels a little odd to me that I can be this detached about my own demise, but I consider this time I've been given to be a wonderful gift. How many of us actually get to help orchestrate their own funeral? The one thing I'm most grateful for is that I've been given time to express my love to so many people who, in normal times, would never have known what they mean to me. It makes me wonder why we're all so shy about sharing our feelings for each other. Why do we withhold that precious message from those most important to us?
I have a cleaning woman coming in tomorrow and Friday to start cleaning my house and my kitty cat will be handed over to my dear friend, Glenn, on Saturday. She makes big messes that I can no longer clean up and I don't think it's quite fair to ask a cleaning woman to clean up Abby's messes. So it's time. Glenn will give her a wonderful home, but I just hope it's not too traumatic for her. She's about 15 years old now and this is an awful thing to do to her. Maybe she will understand more than I give her credit for.
I talk to both my boys either by phone or e-mail most every day, and I get several calls each week from friends out of state. I have quite a few calls I have to return, like to my precious friend, Adam, who was a student at the law school and is now a real, authentic lawyer! I almost feel as if I have a stake in his success because I struggled along with him for three years. Those were great days with some of the students who became so special to me.
All in all, however, I feel as if I'm doing well and am taking care of business in good fashion. I hired the cleaning woman, I found a home for Abby, I've built important lists for my sons, and I said goodbye and closed the chapter on a painful relationship and I did it with relative ease. At the end of the day it was important for me to understand that some things can't be fixed and now I can put my energy into those who love and honor me.
So I stayed home and went through my usual routine of napping, watching some television and writing letters on the computer.
I get on the scales each day...not because I care how much I weigh anymore, but because it's a curiosity to see that I've lost another pound or two without any effort on my part. I've now lost about 25 pounds since the beginning of April and it's just simply disappeared as if by magic. I still enjoy food and am still eating, though I'm rarely ever aware of being hungry now and my choice in food has changed. I want comfort foods now...things like snacks...chip and dip, bananas by the bunch, and pudding cups, any flavor. Two of my girlfriends came by last week with a big bowl of southern chicken and dumplings! There's nothing like comfort food to soothe the troubled soul.
I've been spending some time helping plan my funeral. I've collected and printed some photos of myself at different times in my life, made lists of lovely quotations that I am fond of, made a list of people with addresses, phone numbers and e-mail addresses who should be contacted when the time comes, and talked to my musician son about songs that I particularly like. The boys can use these ideas or suggetions as they see fit...or not. I'm not wedded to anything in particular other than simplicity, but I thought it might be helpful to them at a stressful time. It feels a little odd to me that I can be this detached about my own demise, but I consider this time I've been given to be a wonderful gift. How many of us actually get to help orchestrate their own funeral? The one thing I'm most grateful for is that I've been given time to express my love to so many people who, in normal times, would never have known what they mean to me. It makes me wonder why we're all so shy about sharing our feelings for each other. Why do we withhold that precious message from those most important to us?
I have a cleaning woman coming in tomorrow and Friday to start cleaning my house and my kitty cat will be handed over to my dear friend, Glenn, on Saturday. She makes big messes that I can no longer clean up and I don't think it's quite fair to ask a cleaning woman to clean up Abby's messes. So it's time. Glenn will give her a wonderful home, but I just hope it's not too traumatic for her. She's about 15 years old now and this is an awful thing to do to her. Maybe she will understand more than I give her credit for.
I talk to both my boys either by phone or e-mail most every day, and I get several calls each week from friends out of state. I have quite a few calls I have to return, like to my precious friend, Adam, who was a student at the law school and is now a real, authentic lawyer! I almost feel as if I have a stake in his success because I struggled along with him for three years. Those were great days with some of the students who became so special to me.
All in all, however, I feel as if I'm doing well and am taking care of business in good fashion. I hired the cleaning woman, I found a home for Abby, I've built important lists for my sons, and I said goodbye and closed the chapter on a painful relationship and I did it with relative ease. At the end of the day it was important for me to understand that some things can't be fixed and now I can put my energy into those who love and honor me.
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