FINDING THE LOVE IN NEW ORLEANS

I received a comment from a reader who said when her mother died 21 years ago, her final message was one to “love, love, love”. Her mother was right for I have also discovered that. This planet is about love...how we love and nourish each other and how we are there for not only our loved ones, but for mankind as a whole and the bum on the street in particular. In the Bible Jesus said, "whatsoever you do for the least of men, you do unto me", and one of the 10 Commandments is to "love thy neighbor as thyself". Getting to this point with my health, as the reader's mother did, I realize that nothing in my world matters except those I love. Not my money, my possessions, the things I thought I wanted or my age or appearance. Everything has lost its meaning except the love I give and receive from others. (Picture of me and my sons, Krisna on left and Reese on right.)

For me last week was a particular lesson about love. I had the great good fortune to travel to New Orleans with my oldest son, Reese, my daughter, Brooks, and my friend, Lynn, to see my youngest son, Kris...to meet his new girlfriend and see where and how he’s now living. Kris' girlfriend, Lauren, was everything I hoped she would be and I now feel very confident about Kris and what he's doing with his life.

It was my first time in New Orleans and I was able to understand why everyone always loves to visit that amazing city. We only had two full days there, but we somehow managed to cram in some sightseeing, Jackson Square and the French Quarter, several outstanding French and Cajun meals and, of course, all the wonderment that love brings. We laughed until our ribs hurt, shared old family stories, some of which were tragic at the time but have through the years become classic comedy. I knew it would be the last time I would ever travel and the last time I would ever see my children together in this way, so it was a bittersweet week for me. There were times in the middle of the night when, unable to sleep, I had the chance to talk intimately with both my sons and one night both were awake with me as we talked about our love for each other and the great and wonderful difference each has made in our lives. I’ve never been so proud of my sons as I was this weekend. They stood shoulder to shoulder with me, all of us holding each other tightly and facing the unthinkable together and I could see what fine men I was privileged to raise. (This is a picture of me on the right and my darling friend, Lynn, on the left.)

I was also able to resolve a painful problem that has haunted me for a lifetime and that was to accept that my daughter is a sociopathic personality, incapable of the same kind of love that my sons have or that I’ve always shown for her. That was sad, but less so than it’s been before, since now I have finally been able to clearly see and accept the thing that was diagnosed in her so many years ago. I think I can now leave this earth peacefully, knowing that nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome of her life and I’ve been able to accept that it is not I who is unlovable, but she who is incapable of love. Acceptance can be a healing balm upon a deep wound.

I've been reading a wonderful book called “Hello From Heaven”, and in it are over 300 documented accounts of people who have been contacted by loved ones who had died. They were contacted either by being touched or spoken to, by sensing them in the room or actually seeing them. The book’s purpose is to prove that there really is no death, and that when we cross over it is merely walking through a doorway into another plane of existence. Having been visited by a friend and a beloved pet myself, I have long believed in eternal life. Perhaps that is why I’ve been able to face the end of my life with a certain amount of serenity.

I've gotten a strong, but gentle message from both doctors...the oncologist and the radiologist...that neither of them encourage people at this stage to grasp for life as if they can live forever. It's as though they don't totally understand the difficulty some people have with acceptance that life is not forever. I agree. An old man in my building went through grueling chemotherapy a few months ago. He was 90 years old. After enduring the chemo he finally come home and died within 3 weeks. I choose not to grasp in fear for a few remaining months or years.

Today was a little difficult for me because I've felt my time is quite short. I realize that may or may not be true, because I’m tired and negative feelings can rise to the surface when you're tired. But I do know that tumors can grow at an alarming speed after they reach a certain point in the disease and that death can occur quite rapidly. Today and lately I feel weaker, there's more coughing, more fatigue and sleeping, more difficulty breathing. I've felt today that I may just have a couple of months and once got a little weepy about it. I see the oncologist in just a couple of weeks...on the 21st I think...and I'm sure he'll be calling in hospice then. I'm going to call someone tomorrow about coming in and cleaning my house. I'm trying my best to start separating a few special things out for friends and certain people. I don't do much at a time, but perhaps I can make some headway if I keep at it daily.

I am very grateful for the life I've had. The pride I have in the two men I've raised gives my life purpose and meaning and is a definite reward. I can be here now, close to the end of my life, and I don't have too many regrets, I can appreciate the happiness I've enjoyed and all the people in my life that I've loved and I think I'm as ready to get on the next bus as anybody is.